Enough

Enough.

A simple, yet definitive word. 

Do we ever have enough, do enough, get enough, feel enough.

Are we through with a 

situation

person

conflict

habit

job

and we shake our head with resolve

draw our clinched fists in tight

pinch our lips together in a thin line

stomp our foot

throw our hands down in exasperation and say-

Enough!

But what does it mean? I have lived my life trying to achieve enough.

Lost enough weight

Studied enough

Been good enough

Been strong enough

Loved enough

Exercised enough

Been gracious enough

Used my talents enough

Gone to church enough

The Webster Dictionary defines enough as 

"equal to what is needed"

In the bible the word for enough is frequently synonymous with the Greek word, hikanos

Defined as: sufficient, worthy, many, much

worthy

          worthy

                  worthy 

is the Lamb that was slain

Therein lies the problem - my problem. In order to live in that place of having much, of feeling sufficient, of recognizing what we have is equal to what we need - we have to realize that we are worthy to receive it. When we thrust our hands at our side, and face 

a challenge

a habit

a behavior

a situation

in which we are dissatisfied - and with a resolute attitude and a strength that comes from the Holy Spirit within us proclaim -

ENOUGH!!!

we are declaring that we are worthy of so much more. 

Not deserved, or entitled but WORTHY 

We are worth more to God than we can ever imagine. I am HIS daughter, He is my Father, He provides all I need because 

HE is SUFFICIENT

He is ENOUGH

and in HIM I have all I NEED.

and the winner is.........

Why do I always feel like I am in this constant tug-of-war with myself?

Whenever I face big decisions my mind engages in this constant struggle. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling pulled in one direction then pulling myself the other direction. Such is the case with my job situation. I have interviewed for 3 positions and been offered all three. 

One was a no-brainer to decline

One was very tantalizing to the career driven, title seeking, and yes - selfish - side of me (Red Cross - TEAM SUPERVISOR of MOBILE OPERATIONS) even the title seems important.

and one,

One was a position that seems boring. mundane. no glory. low on skills. but in it's essence - simple service. 

I have been wrestling for 26 of the last 29 hours (you gotta sleep some time right?) over which of the latter two positions I should take. 

One job, prestigious company, full-time working crazy hours and commuting possibly 4 hours a day to different mobile locations 5 days a week, one of which is a Saturday or Sunday every weekend. That means sacrificing Sunday church and the NFL, or MY son's football games...tough choice!

The other job, a small community clinic in North San Diego county serving those without insurance or resources to receive adequate healthcare. Certainly not a glamorous position, but one that is very flexible - I can work when I want, however often I want, and it would allow me the flexibility to still seek other positions that have long been my dream to pursue - ER, OR or Labor and Delivery.

When you work so hard to attain something it is easy to forget the why. I went to nursing school in part because I simply love EVERYTHING about nursing, but also so I can provide some extra resources for my family. 

If I take the Red Cross Job I would be sacrificing the very thing I am working to help. While my son is a thirteen year old boy, who doesn't think he needs anyone at home with him, the fact is - he does. I am not willing to sacrifice being an influence in his life for my own career goals. I only have four short years left with him at home and then I can work 60 hours a week if I so desire. 

But for now I am going to choose my family, and the knowing that God has something perfect for me, and for my family, just around the corner. 

I will still struggle with decisions. 

I will probably look like this guy when faced with a tough choice instead of like this

But this time, I feel like I have made the right choice...

Vista Community Clinic wins out. Say hello to their newest Registered Nurse - Per Diem.

The Grass is Always Greener

Frustrated. Restless. Anxious......

These seem to be a lot of the emotions that I am experiencing as of late. Despite finishing school and graduating I still can't seem to relax. First it was passing. Then it was graduating. Then it was studying for state boards. Then it was taking the state boards. Then it was waiting for the results of the state board. Now it is trying to find a job with the degree all of the aforementioned afforded me. 

I have applied to, literally, over 100 positions across the full breadth of SoCal. I have only had three job interviews, for three jobs I really don't want. Here I am trying to convince my daughter to be thrilled with the gift of going to college (yes it is only community college, but the units are all the same at this point in the game) and yet, here I am struggling to find a job after completing 3 full additional years of school. I have been in college a total of 13 full semesters and completed two degrees and still can't find a job. At this point she is making more working as a waitress at Chuy's then I am making right now (which is obviously zero).

Thankfully, I don't HAVE to work. So it isn't like I can't feed my family if I don't get a job. It is something deeper and more personal. I guess it is the fact that I accomplished this HUGE feat despite some significant obstacles, yet it doesn't feel entirely complete. You know how people say the grass is always greener? Well, I hopped the fence and found out that that sentiment is, in fact, true. I achieved my Associate Degree RN. Unfortunately, every hospital now would like you to have a Bachelors of Science in Nursing. They will even take that additional schooling in lieu of actual nursing experience. I have spent many years living down comments as an LVN like, "Well, you aren't a REAL nurse." and, "Oh, you're not an RN?" blah blah blah. It doesn't matter that I have enough college units to have a Master's degree at this point, or that I have been gifted with a certain capacity for academics and a sick part of my brain that actually enjoys school and higher education. So no matter what the accomplishments or rungs  I have climbed up the career ladder, it just doesn't seem to ever be enough. Now the statements will be, "Well, don't you have your Bachelor's?" and "Are you planning on getting your Master's degree?"or job postings that say, "Associate Degree required, Bachelors preferred." I hate that word, "preferred." I prefer for someone to actually look at my resume and see that I have sixteen years of experience. I would prefer that companies would select me for an interview so I would have the opportunity to represent myself as a prospective employee and not a computer system's interpretation of the kind of candidate I am. 

It reminds me of this unsettled feeling I get in other areas of my life. Take my kitchen for example. Without a kitchen table the room just felt empty. Incomplete. Lacking. It needed a kitchen table. I obsessed about finding one. Craigslist, local exchange groups on Facebook where I had to wade through thousands of pictures of old shirts for two dollars, newspaper adds...you name it. I finally found one through a friend. I got it, and refinished the table and chairs all in one day. I placed it in my kitchen, all decked out with new place mats, and took a step back and breathed a sigh of relief that my home was complete. That feeling lasted about a day, as my attention shifted to the ratty sectional sitting in my family room. Of course it isn't totally ratty - its just a little worn and misshapen, kind of like me. But again, it is never enough. A pattern in my life where I focus on what I don't have, instead of all I do have. And whether that is good or bad is relative. In the professional arena it is important to achieve, obtain, grow, get to the next level etc... It is labeled "Drive." In academics it is labeled, "Perseverance." In the Christian realm it is labeled, "Discontentment." Well, whatever it is - It is frustrating. It motivates me to achieve and do more, but it can also keep me from experiencing total and complete joy in my circumstance. 

So, for now I will continue peeking over the next fence, while pitching my tent in the green, grassy field I am in at the moment. Maybe I will stay a while, find a job I love and decide to make it my home. Or, maybe I will continue to peer through the holes and get fixated on what I see on the other side - grass as green as emeralds compared to my current parched lawn, with other things that are bright, and shiny and new. Or, perhaps, one day I will slowly scale that fence, scraping my knees and getting a few splinters on the way, but moving forward and satisfying the curiosity of what awaits on the other side.

Rest...

The last time I blogged according to blogger was August 11th.... That was almost four months ago. 

Four Months. 

Four Challenging Months

Four Exceptionally Challenging Months

Four, Dare I Say, Exhausting and Almost Impossible Months.

The last time I was in nursing school I was twenty-four  years old. I will not do the math for you and remind you of how long that has been, but I can assure you it is well on the other side of a decade and rapidly approaching two. I believe I had an inkling going into this semester it was going to be difficult, but I was also secretly confident that my intellectual abilities would get me through professors that I am certain have a secret place in their heart that flutters when students do poorly, 4:15 am alarms that began  a challenging day in clinical or a theory day where I needed 4 hours of cramming before class and I certain that my historically rapid-fire brain would allow me to develop witty retorts when some inexperienced 20 year old student didn't truly understand that nursing is not about performing procedures on patients. It is about caring for people...

Had the last few months simply held those challenges, I think I would have made it through scathed but not dead. 

Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Aside from the mental gymnastics I asked my middle-aged brain to perform, I faced some pretty tough emotional and physical challenges. 

Did I know I would have to walk my daughter through one of the most difficult times of her life?

Did I know that a tiny 7 millimeter herniated nucleus propulsus (otherwise known as a "ruptured disc") in my back was going to wreak havoc with my ability to literally sit - thanks to its lovely position next to my sciatic nerve? 

Did I know Kendra was going to lose her job?

Did I know I was going to lose my job?

Did I know that I am just not as able, as I once was, to keep it all together?

No - is the obvious answer. 

I didn't know. 

but

God 

knew

As stated in my previous blog, as best as I can remember anyway, I faced school (clinical in particular) with a certain amount of fear. There is nothing that can produce anxiety more, in someone already struggling with epinepherine racing through her body at the most inopportune times, then pushing a drug directly into someone's vein. My first day of clinical I was an anxious mess. But then I was reminded, through facebook of all things, that God had called me down this path.

(of course I don't mean facebook, I mean my friends on facebook)

And so, the next clinical day as I drove down the 15 freeway fretting with sweaty palms on the wheel, I prayed. I prayed in a way I had been taught to pray so many times yet frequently failed to do.

1. I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to pursue my hearts desire and finish school.

2. I acknowledged that it is He that provided the opportunity. - To use a corny phrase I basically said:

You brought me too it, you will get me through it

3. I asked that He would go before me throughout the day. I acknowledged that the patients assigned to me have been placed in my path for a purpose and I asked God to guide me in both my clinical skill and empathy and compassion demonstrated to my patients.

4. I thanked Him for His faithfulness and mercy He has poured out time and again.

I did this every day. And every day that I did this I had no anxiety. God gave me a sense of peace and rest even in the middle of being busy and stretched beyond belief. 

I have tried to find rest watching TV, or lying by the pool on warmer days, or just even attempting to take a nap, but true rest has only come when I have stolen moments away with the Lord. 

I have two weeks until winter break - AKA Christmas madness.

This year, however, I have a sense of calm regarding Christmas. There is a certain pressure that usually accompanies this time of year that I just don't have the energy to place on myself, and frankly - it's awesome. I have lowered my expectations, and hence, made things a little easier on myself. 

I love Christmas.

I have always loved Christmas.

But this year my weariness has led me to the cross, and hence, the true meaning of the holiday

I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who was born in a lowly manger.

I am thankful that He died and rose again.

I am thankful that He provided the Holy Spirit to dwell within in us, as He was once among us.

This Christmas, more than any, I am thankful that......

God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son.........

Merry Christmas.

back to school and other stuff....

How does the weather seem to know when the kids are about to go back to school? I woke up this morning to a familiar gray sky, carrying moisture from the ocean to our sometimes arid Inland Valley. When I was young, school always started after labor day. By that time of year things near the ocean, where I grew up, are beginning to cool down and the wind carries just a hint of cool moisture as it rides over mildly warm air. It is ironic that something as simple as air can trigger a memory, a feeling, an emotion, a response. When it is time to head, "Back to School" there is an interesting parallel that exists between the new opportunities that are around every corner and the comfort of the return to routine familiarity.

This year, not only are the kids going back to school, I am returning to school as well. I am used to supporting my two offspring as they anxiously head off to the great unknown that is whatever grade they are getting ready to start. I am NOT used to being the one who has to worry about
meeting new classmates,
             worrying if I can handle my schedule,
                       insecure about getting lost on campus (or in my case, in the hospital)
                                          or finding my way around. I am certainly NOT used to doubting my abilities,

and yet, that is exactly what I am finding myself doing.

Now, presuming I am not   a rationale adult who has learned through her mistakes, my apprehension and insecurity about matriculating helped me to recognize how much stress my kids actually must be experiencing. We adults know that school is not everything. But to our children, their world revolves around it.

Despite all of this,

I love it. I love the smell of new books, binder paper, pencil lead, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, new school clothes, backpacks and lunch boxes. I am honestly enjoying every moment of it, as I know all to well, it will be over. Kendra has already made the transition to adulthood and so I will savor every moment of Dylan's last 5 years.....even the procrastination that will inevitably take place, the tests that will be crammed for, the PE clothes that will be forgotten, the lunch money that will have to be dropped off and the conversations about peer groups, wise choices and being a good friend that will be had.

Welcome back to school!

What if you could Kill someone?

I bet that title got your attention! So. I pose the question. What if you could actually kill someone? I don't mean the thoughts that run through your mind when someone cuts you off on the freeway, or the feeling you get when a man literally breaks your daughters' heart.....( although it's close) ...... and I also do NOT mean the inner feelings of rage that bubble up and are directed toward your friend who is with you at the river and looks damn hot in their bikini while you are sporting the dreaded 'tankini' - a ridiculous and infuriating name for a bathing suit that is basically a one piece created to make you feel better about yourself.

 Nope. The whole, "I could really kill her right now" thought that crosses my mind when my daughter fails to put the dishes away for the 5th time in a week, or the inevitable, "he is as good as dead" verbiage that escapes my mouth from time to time when stepping on one of my sons toys, hats or other articles left lying around the house, is not what I am talking about.

I actually mean killing someone. The fact that the broadened scope of practice in the profession I am currently pursuing a higher level of competency, autonomy, and liability in has the potential to put me in a situation where a mistake on my part could LITERALLY kill someone has been smacking me in the face over the past week. That is a very scary reality of the medical profession. The more schooling you have, the more money on malpractice and liability insurance you need to plan on spending.

I would like to know how many other "jobs" have the potential to result in loss of life or limb of another human being? Sure there are plenty of dangerous jobs, but typically the danger is to the employee. In the case of a physician or nurse the threat is to the one to whom care is being delivered. How many of you have thought about that in those terms? It has always been a concern - patient safety - in the forefront of my practice as a Vocational Nurse for the past 15 years, but as I study Registered Nursing the onus is on me to understand the complexities of the medications I am giving, the complications associated with the disease processes of my patients, and the responsibility to advocate for the patient in the event a physician is, dare I say - WRONG? I am the one pushing a medication directly into a patients vein that will react in the body within seconds, and if an error is made - realizing there is no way to get that medication back.

This very thought is what was swirling around in my anxiety laden head prior to the first day of class last week. I was thinking, as I was driving to Oceanside listening to Dr. Laura, "why am I doing this?" I was questioning why I am going to give up the next year of my life to pursue something that actually scares the heck out of me. I was hearing that inner voice we all have to one degree or another that whispers -

you don't have what it takes,
                               you are too old to go back to school
                                                                you should just stay where you are
                                                                                                   what if......you mess up??
                       what if     YOU     aren't  p-e-r-f-e-c-t?

There is nothing that can bring up the root of your fear like doing something that forces you to acknowledge your strengths AND your weaknesses. There is no room in nursing for someone who knows everything, yet that is what I expect of myself. A nurse who thinks they know EVERYTHING is actually someone I would be very scared of. I don't have to know everything, but -

 I do have to know
what I do know
and know it well,
and I need to know
when to acknowledge what I do not know
and ask someone who does.

Despite my fears, and with the prayerful support and encouragement of my friends, I ventured forth through my first day of school, followed by my second day of school and now my second week of school and I love it. Am I still leery? Yes. But won't that make me a better nurse? Isn't it better to acknowledge the potential harm we are capable of inflicting on another human being if we are not mindful and cautious?

Based on that perspective is there an actual bigger lesson the Lord is trying to teach me? People in our lives our much like the patients I, as a nurse, need to care for. They trust us to be looking out for their best interest. They trust us to go to bat for them, to be their advocate. They trust us to "do no harm" and to ensure that nothing we do further damages them. What if I applied that same cautious approach to the people I love in my life? What if I worried about the unnecessary pain and suffering my words can cause as much as I worry about the potential to screw up inserting someones IV resulting in an additional stick?

I don't know the answers to all of these questions, but as I get more comfortable with school, and more excited at both the challenges and rewards of a new career I am aware that God will use this for both practical and spiritual purposes, and for that, I am thankful!

Who says we can't get along?

It is commonly understood, expected even, that mothers and daughters won't get along at some point in their relationship - especially during the angst ridden teenage years.

As I was sitting with my daughter on the couch this evening watching the latest episode of Glee, a few thoughts ran through my mind.......

How lucky am I? How did I somehow get blessed with this smart, whitty, amazing daughter? How lucky am I that when we are alone together we laugh 90% of the time? How did she develop into such a beautiful young woman whose heart if filled with a deep love for Christ, a passion for social justice and such a grounded attitude?

Don't get me wrong.....we do argue. The typical annoyances that plague most homes are in full effect here. I have to ask her to put away the dishes - most of the time. I have to remind her to change the laundry and not let it sit and get that moldy smell after 4 hours in the washing machine. I ALWAYS have to check that her flat iron is shut off, her bathroom fan isn't running and the 20 megawatt lightbulbs in her bathroom vanity and the annoyingly loud fan are both OFF. 

All of that being said - I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here. I would miss both the good and the bad. The laughter and the anger. The times she opens up and gives me a window into her world and the times she is silent and wrestling with something. Eating cereal out of the box together and the times when I beg her to eat a piece of fruit or a vegetable.

It has been almost one year since her high school graduation. During that time she has grown so much. She became a girlfriend who supported the man she cared about while he was at war. She became a college student, a teacher, an employee, a better friend, a tax-payer, and officially - an adult.

Yet, she remained my daughter.

That will never change.

What will change is how I am a mother to her. Her life is no longer identified soley by her role or participation in our family, but by who she is in this world. What kind of path she carves out. What decisions she inevitably makes despite the advice or guidance I provide. Prayerfully, as she gets older and has a family of her own I will be a part of it. But for now, I will enjoy the little moments we share.......the way only she can tease me, yet make me laugh so hard at myself I almost pee.....or how we can run an "errand" together and silently know that means we are going to Target to spend money we shouldn't spend.......or how she knows when I need her to just sit by me on the couch when I am having a bad day....

Yes, it has been said that mothers and daughters don't get along.

I, however, wouldn't change one thing.