Nope. The whole, "I could really kill her right now" thought that crosses my mind when my daughter fails to put the dishes away for the 5th time in a week, or the inevitable, "he is as good as dead" verbiage that escapes my mouth from time to time when stepping on one of my sons toys, hats or other articles left lying around the house, is not what I am talking about.
I actually mean killing someone. The fact that the broadened scope of practice in the profession I am currently pursuing a higher level of competency, autonomy, and liability in has the potential to put me in a situation where a mistake on my part could LITERALLY kill someone has been smacking me in the face over the past week. That is a very scary reality of the medical profession. The more schooling you have, the more money on malpractice and liability insurance you need to plan on spending.
I would like to know how many other "jobs" have the potential to result in loss of life or limb of another human being? Sure there are plenty of dangerous jobs, but typically the danger is to the employee. In the case of a physician or nurse the threat is to the one to whom care is being delivered. How many of you have thought about that in those terms? It has always been a concern - patient safety - in the forefront of my practice as a Vocational Nurse for the past 15 years, but as I study Registered Nursing the onus is on me to understand the complexities of the medications I am giving, the complications associated with the disease processes of my patients, and the responsibility to advocate for the patient in the event a physician is, dare I say - WRONG? I am the one pushing a medication directly into a patients vein that will react in the body within seconds, and if an error is made - realizing there is no way to get that medication back.
This very thought is what was swirling around in my anxiety laden head prior to the first day of class last week. I was thinking, as I was driving to Oceanside listening to Dr. Laura, "why am I doing this?" I was questioning why I am going to give up the next year of my life to pursue something that actually scares the heck out of me. I was hearing that inner voice we all have to one degree or another that whispers -
you don't have what it takes,
you are too old to go back to school
you should just stay where you are
what if......you mess up??
what if YOU aren't p-e-r-f-e-c-t?
There is nothing that can bring up the root of your fear like doing something that forces you to acknowledge your strengths AND your weaknesses. There is no room in nursing for someone who knows everything, yet that is what I expect of myself. A nurse who thinks they know EVERYTHING is actually someone I would be very scared of. I don't have to know everything, but -
I do have to know
what I do know
and know it well,
and I need to know
when to acknowledge what I do not know
and ask someone who does.
Despite my fears, and with the prayerful support and encouragement of my friends, I ventured forth through my first day of school, followed by my second day of school and now my second week of school and I love it. Am I still leery? Yes. But won't that make me a better nurse? Isn't it better to acknowledge the potential harm we are capable of inflicting on another human being if we are not mindful and cautious?
Based on that perspective is there an actual bigger lesson the Lord is trying to teach me? People in our lives our much like the patients I, as a nurse, need to care for. They trust us to be looking out for their best interest. They trust us to go to bat for them, to be their advocate. They trust us to "do no harm" and to ensure that nothing we do further damages them. What if I applied that same cautious approach to the people I love in my life? What if I worried about the unnecessary pain and suffering my words can cause as much as I worry about the potential to screw up inserting someones IV resulting in an additional stick?
I don't know the answers to all of these questions, but as I get more comfortable with school, and more excited at both the challenges and rewards of a new career I am aware that God will use this for both practical and spiritual purposes, and for that, I am thankful!
