The last time I blogged according to blogger was August 11th.... That was almost four months ago.
Four Months.
Four Challenging Months
Four Exceptionally Challenging Months
Four, Dare I Say, Exhausting and Almost Impossible Months.
The last time I was in nursing school I was twenty-four years old. I will not do the math for you and remind you of how long that has been, but I can assure you it is well on the other side of a decade and rapidly approaching two. I believe I had an inkling going into this semester it was going to be difficult, but I was also secretly confident that my intellectual abilities would get me through professors that I am certain have a secret place in their heart that flutters when students do poorly, 4:15 am alarms that began a challenging day in clinical or a theory day where I needed 4 hours of cramming before class and I certain that my historically rapid-fire brain would allow me to develop witty retorts when some inexperienced 20 year old student didn't truly understand that nursing is not about performing procedures on patients. It is about caring for people...
Had the last few months simply held those challenges, I think I would have made it through scathed but not dead.
Unfortunately, that was not the case.
Aside from the mental gymnastics I asked my middle-aged brain to perform, I faced some pretty tough emotional and physical challenges.
Did I know I would have to walk my daughter through one of the most difficult times of her life?
Did I know that a tiny 7 millimeter herniated nucleus propulsus (otherwise known as a "ruptured disc") in my back was going to wreak havoc with my ability to literally sit - thanks to its lovely position next to my sciatic nerve?
Did I know Kendra was going to lose her job?
Did I know I was going to lose my job?
Did I know that I am just not as able, as I once was, to keep it all together?
No - is the obvious answer.
I didn't know.
but
God
knew
As stated in my previous blog, as best as I can remember anyway, I faced school (clinical in particular) with a certain amount of fear. There is nothing that can produce anxiety more, in someone already struggling with epinepherine racing through her body at the most inopportune times, then pushing a drug directly into someone's vein. My first day of clinical I was an anxious mess. But then I was reminded, through facebook of all things, that God had called me down this path.
(of course I don't mean facebook, I mean my friends on facebook)
And so, the next clinical day as I drove down the 15 freeway fretting with sweaty palms on the wheel, I prayed. I prayed in a way I had been taught to pray so many times yet frequently failed to do.
1. I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to pursue my hearts desire and finish school.
2. I acknowledged that it is He that provided the opportunity. - To use a corny phrase I basically said:
You brought me too it, you will get me through it
3. I asked that He would go before me throughout the day. I acknowledged that the patients assigned to me have been placed in my path for a purpose and I asked God to guide me in both my clinical skill and empathy and compassion demonstrated to my patients.
4. I thanked Him for His faithfulness and mercy He has poured out time and again.
I did this every day. And every day that I did this I had no anxiety. God gave me a sense of peace and rest even in the middle of being busy and stretched beyond belief.
I have tried to find rest watching TV, or lying by the pool on warmer days, or just even attempting to take a nap, but true rest has only come when I have stolen moments away with the Lord.
I have two weeks until winter break - AKA Christmas madness.
This year, however, I have a sense of calm regarding Christmas. There is a certain pressure that usually accompanies this time of year that I just don't have the energy to place on myself, and frankly - it's awesome. I have lowered my expectations, and hence, made things a little easier on myself.
I love Christmas.
I have always loved Christmas.
But this year my weariness has led me to the cross, and hence, the true meaning of the holiday
I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who was born in a lowly manger.
I am thankful that He died and rose again.
I am thankful that He provided the Holy Spirit to dwell within in us, as He was once among us.
This Christmas, more than any, I am thankful that......
God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son.........
Merry Christmas.
