and the winner is.........

Why do I always feel like I am in this constant tug-of-war with myself?

Whenever I face big decisions my mind engages in this constant struggle. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling pulled in one direction then pulling myself the other direction. Such is the case with my job situation. I have interviewed for 3 positions and been offered all three. 

One was a no-brainer to decline

One was very tantalizing to the career driven, title seeking, and yes - selfish - side of me (Red Cross - TEAM SUPERVISOR of MOBILE OPERATIONS) even the title seems important.

and one,

One was a position that seems boring. mundane. no glory. low on skills. but in it's essence - simple service. 

I have been wrestling for 26 of the last 29 hours (you gotta sleep some time right?) over which of the latter two positions I should take. 

One job, prestigious company, full-time working crazy hours and commuting possibly 4 hours a day to different mobile locations 5 days a week, one of which is a Saturday or Sunday every weekend. That means sacrificing Sunday church and the NFL, or MY son's football games...tough choice!

The other job, a small community clinic in North San Diego county serving those without insurance or resources to receive adequate healthcare. Certainly not a glamorous position, but one that is very flexible - I can work when I want, however often I want, and it would allow me the flexibility to still seek other positions that have long been my dream to pursue - ER, OR or Labor and Delivery.

When you work so hard to attain something it is easy to forget the why. I went to nursing school in part because I simply love EVERYTHING about nursing, but also so I can provide some extra resources for my family. 

If I take the Red Cross Job I would be sacrificing the very thing I am working to help. While my son is a thirteen year old boy, who doesn't think he needs anyone at home with him, the fact is - he does. I am not willing to sacrifice being an influence in his life for my own career goals. I only have four short years left with him at home and then I can work 60 hours a week if I so desire. 

But for now I am going to choose my family, and the knowing that God has something perfect for me, and for my family, just around the corner. 

I will still struggle with decisions. 

I will probably look like this guy when faced with a tough choice instead of like this

But this time, I feel like I have made the right choice...

Vista Community Clinic wins out. Say hello to their newest Registered Nurse - Per Diem.

The Grass is Always Greener

Frustrated. Restless. Anxious......

These seem to be a lot of the emotions that I am experiencing as of late. Despite finishing school and graduating I still can't seem to relax. First it was passing. Then it was graduating. Then it was studying for state boards. Then it was taking the state boards. Then it was waiting for the results of the state board. Now it is trying to find a job with the degree all of the aforementioned afforded me. 

I have applied to, literally, over 100 positions across the full breadth of SoCal. I have only had three job interviews, for three jobs I really don't want. Here I am trying to convince my daughter to be thrilled with the gift of going to college (yes it is only community college, but the units are all the same at this point in the game) and yet, here I am struggling to find a job after completing 3 full additional years of school. I have been in college a total of 13 full semesters and completed two degrees and still can't find a job. At this point she is making more working as a waitress at Chuy's then I am making right now (which is obviously zero).

Thankfully, I don't HAVE to work. So it isn't like I can't feed my family if I don't get a job. It is something deeper and more personal. I guess it is the fact that I accomplished this HUGE feat despite some significant obstacles, yet it doesn't feel entirely complete. You know how people say the grass is always greener? Well, I hopped the fence and found out that that sentiment is, in fact, true. I achieved my Associate Degree RN. Unfortunately, every hospital now would like you to have a Bachelors of Science in Nursing. They will even take that additional schooling in lieu of actual nursing experience. I have spent many years living down comments as an LVN like, "Well, you aren't a REAL nurse." and, "Oh, you're not an RN?" blah blah blah. It doesn't matter that I have enough college units to have a Master's degree at this point, or that I have been gifted with a certain capacity for academics and a sick part of my brain that actually enjoys school and higher education. So no matter what the accomplishments or rungs  I have climbed up the career ladder, it just doesn't seem to ever be enough. Now the statements will be, "Well, don't you have your Bachelor's?" and "Are you planning on getting your Master's degree?"or job postings that say, "Associate Degree required, Bachelors preferred." I hate that word, "preferred." I prefer for someone to actually look at my resume and see that I have sixteen years of experience. I would prefer that companies would select me for an interview so I would have the opportunity to represent myself as a prospective employee and not a computer system's interpretation of the kind of candidate I am. 

It reminds me of this unsettled feeling I get in other areas of my life. Take my kitchen for example. Without a kitchen table the room just felt empty. Incomplete. Lacking. It needed a kitchen table. I obsessed about finding one. Craigslist, local exchange groups on Facebook where I had to wade through thousands of pictures of old shirts for two dollars, newspaper adds...you name it. I finally found one through a friend. I got it, and refinished the table and chairs all in one day. I placed it in my kitchen, all decked out with new place mats, and took a step back and breathed a sigh of relief that my home was complete. That feeling lasted about a day, as my attention shifted to the ratty sectional sitting in my family room. Of course it isn't totally ratty - its just a little worn and misshapen, kind of like me. But again, it is never enough. A pattern in my life where I focus on what I don't have, instead of all I do have. And whether that is good or bad is relative. In the professional arena it is important to achieve, obtain, grow, get to the next level etc... It is labeled "Drive." In academics it is labeled, "Perseverance." In the Christian realm it is labeled, "Discontentment." Well, whatever it is - It is frustrating. It motivates me to achieve and do more, but it can also keep me from experiencing total and complete joy in my circumstance. 

So, for now I will continue peeking over the next fence, while pitching my tent in the green, grassy field I am in at the moment. Maybe I will stay a while, find a job I love and decide to make it my home. Or, maybe I will continue to peer through the holes and get fixated on what I see on the other side - grass as green as emeralds compared to my current parched lawn, with other things that are bright, and shiny and new. Or, perhaps, one day I will slowly scale that fence, scraping my knees and getting a few splinters on the way, but moving forward and satisfying the curiosity of what awaits on the other side.