Rest...

The last time I blogged according to blogger was August 11th.... That was almost four months ago. 

Four Months. 

Four Challenging Months

Four Exceptionally Challenging Months

Four, Dare I Say, Exhausting and Almost Impossible Months.

The last time I was in nursing school I was twenty-four  years old. I will not do the math for you and remind you of how long that has been, but I can assure you it is well on the other side of a decade and rapidly approaching two. I believe I had an inkling going into this semester it was going to be difficult, but I was also secretly confident that my intellectual abilities would get me through professors that I am certain have a secret place in their heart that flutters when students do poorly, 4:15 am alarms that began  a challenging day in clinical or a theory day where I needed 4 hours of cramming before class and I certain that my historically rapid-fire brain would allow me to develop witty retorts when some inexperienced 20 year old student didn't truly understand that nursing is not about performing procedures on patients. It is about caring for people...

Had the last few months simply held those challenges, I think I would have made it through scathed but not dead. 

Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Aside from the mental gymnastics I asked my middle-aged brain to perform, I faced some pretty tough emotional and physical challenges. 

Did I know I would have to walk my daughter through one of the most difficult times of her life?

Did I know that a tiny 7 millimeter herniated nucleus propulsus (otherwise known as a "ruptured disc") in my back was going to wreak havoc with my ability to literally sit - thanks to its lovely position next to my sciatic nerve? 

Did I know Kendra was going to lose her job?

Did I know I was going to lose my job?

Did I know that I am just not as able, as I once was, to keep it all together?

No - is the obvious answer. 

I didn't know. 

but

God 

knew

As stated in my previous blog, as best as I can remember anyway, I faced school (clinical in particular) with a certain amount of fear. There is nothing that can produce anxiety more, in someone already struggling with epinepherine racing through her body at the most inopportune times, then pushing a drug directly into someone's vein. My first day of clinical I was an anxious mess. But then I was reminded, through facebook of all things, that God had called me down this path.

(of course I don't mean facebook, I mean my friends on facebook)

And so, the next clinical day as I drove down the 15 freeway fretting with sweaty palms on the wheel, I prayed. I prayed in a way I had been taught to pray so many times yet frequently failed to do.

1. I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to pursue my hearts desire and finish school.

2. I acknowledged that it is He that provided the opportunity. - To use a corny phrase I basically said:

You brought me too it, you will get me through it

3. I asked that He would go before me throughout the day. I acknowledged that the patients assigned to me have been placed in my path for a purpose and I asked God to guide me in both my clinical skill and empathy and compassion demonstrated to my patients.

4. I thanked Him for His faithfulness and mercy He has poured out time and again.

I did this every day. And every day that I did this I had no anxiety. God gave me a sense of peace and rest even in the middle of being busy and stretched beyond belief. 

I have tried to find rest watching TV, or lying by the pool on warmer days, or just even attempting to take a nap, but true rest has only come when I have stolen moments away with the Lord. 

I have two weeks until winter break - AKA Christmas madness.

This year, however, I have a sense of calm regarding Christmas. There is a certain pressure that usually accompanies this time of year that I just don't have the energy to place on myself, and frankly - it's awesome. I have lowered my expectations, and hence, made things a little easier on myself. 

I love Christmas.

I have always loved Christmas.

But this year my weariness has led me to the cross, and hence, the true meaning of the holiday

I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who was born in a lowly manger.

I am thankful that He died and rose again.

I am thankful that He provided the Holy Spirit to dwell within in us, as He was once among us.

This Christmas, more than any, I am thankful that......

God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son.........

Merry Christmas.

back to school and other stuff....

How does the weather seem to know when the kids are about to go back to school? I woke up this morning to a familiar gray sky, carrying moisture from the ocean to our sometimes arid Inland Valley. When I was young, school always started after labor day. By that time of year things near the ocean, where I grew up, are beginning to cool down and the wind carries just a hint of cool moisture as it rides over mildly warm air. It is ironic that something as simple as air can trigger a memory, a feeling, an emotion, a response. When it is time to head, "Back to School" there is an interesting parallel that exists between the new opportunities that are around every corner and the comfort of the return to routine familiarity.

This year, not only are the kids going back to school, I am returning to school as well. I am used to supporting my two offspring as they anxiously head off to the great unknown that is whatever grade they are getting ready to start. I am NOT used to being the one who has to worry about
meeting new classmates,
             worrying if I can handle my schedule,
                       insecure about getting lost on campus (or in my case, in the hospital)
                                          or finding my way around. I am certainly NOT used to doubting my abilities,

and yet, that is exactly what I am finding myself doing.

Now, presuming I am not   a rationale adult who has learned through her mistakes, my apprehension and insecurity about matriculating helped me to recognize how much stress my kids actually must be experiencing. We adults know that school is not everything. But to our children, their world revolves around it.

Despite all of this,

I love it. I love the smell of new books, binder paper, pencil lead, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, new school clothes, backpacks and lunch boxes. I am honestly enjoying every moment of it, as I know all to well, it will be over. Kendra has already made the transition to adulthood and so I will savor every moment of Dylan's last 5 years.....even the procrastination that will inevitably take place, the tests that will be crammed for, the PE clothes that will be forgotten, the lunch money that will have to be dropped off and the conversations about peer groups, wise choices and being a good friend that will be had.

Welcome back to school!

What if you could Kill someone?

I bet that title got your attention! So. I pose the question. What if you could actually kill someone? I don't mean the thoughts that run through your mind when someone cuts you off on the freeway, or the feeling you get when a man literally breaks your daughters' heart.....( although it's close) ...... and I also do NOT mean the inner feelings of rage that bubble up and are directed toward your friend who is with you at the river and looks damn hot in their bikini while you are sporting the dreaded 'tankini' - a ridiculous and infuriating name for a bathing suit that is basically a one piece created to make you feel better about yourself.

 Nope. The whole, "I could really kill her right now" thought that crosses my mind when my daughter fails to put the dishes away for the 5th time in a week, or the inevitable, "he is as good as dead" verbiage that escapes my mouth from time to time when stepping on one of my sons toys, hats or other articles left lying around the house, is not what I am talking about.

I actually mean killing someone. The fact that the broadened scope of practice in the profession I am currently pursuing a higher level of competency, autonomy, and liability in has the potential to put me in a situation where a mistake on my part could LITERALLY kill someone has been smacking me in the face over the past week. That is a very scary reality of the medical profession. The more schooling you have, the more money on malpractice and liability insurance you need to plan on spending.

I would like to know how many other "jobs" have the potential to result in loss of life or limb of another human being? Sure there are plenty of dangerous jobs, but typically the danger is to the employee. In the case of a physician or nurse the threat is to the one to whom care is being delivered. How many of you have thought about that in those terms? It has always been a concern - patient safety - in the forefront of my practice as a Vocational Nurse for the past 15 years, but as I study Registered Nursing the onus is on me to understand the complexities of the medications I am giving, the complications associated with the disease processes of my patients, and the responsibility to advocate for the patient in the event a physician is, dare I say - WRONG? I am the one pushing a medication directly into a patients vein that will react in the body within seconds, and if an error is made - realizing there is no way to get that medication back.

This very thought is what was swirling around in my anxiety laden head prior to the first day of class last week. I was thinking, as I was driving to Oceanside listening to Dr. Laura, "why am I doing this?" I was questioning why I am going to give up the next year of my life to pursue something that actually scares the heck out of me. I was hearing that inner voice we all have to one degree or another that whispers -

you don't have what it takes,
                               you are too old to go back to school
                                                                you should just stay where you are
                                                                                                   what if......you mess up??
                       what if     YOU     aren't  p-e-r-f-e-c-t?

There is nothing that can bring up the root of your fear like doing something that forces you to acknowledge your strengths AND your weaknesses. There is no room in nursing for someone who knows everything, yet that is what I expect of myself. A nurse who thinks they know EVERYTHING is actually someone I would be very scared of. I don't have to know everything, but -

 I do have to know
what I do know
and know it well,
and I need to know
when to acknowledge what I do not know
and ask someone who does.

Despite my fears, and with the prayerful support and encouragement of my friends, I ventured forth through my first day of school, followed by my second day of school and now my second week of school and I love it. Am I still leery? Yes. But won't that make me a better nurse? Isn't it better to acknowledge the potential harm we are capable of inflicting on another human being if we are not mindful and cautious?

Based on that perspective is there an actual bigger lesson the Lord is trying to teach me? People in our lives our much like the patients I, as a nurse, need to care for. They trust us to be looking out for their best interest. They trust us to go to bat for them, to be their advocate. They trust us to "do no harm" and to ensure that nothing we do further damages them. What if I applied that same cautious approach to the people I love in my life? What if I worried about the unnecessary pain and suffering my words can cause as much as I worry about the potential to screw up inserting someones IV resulting in an additional stick?

I don't know the answers to all of these questions, but as I get more comfortable with school, and more excited at both the challenges and rewards of a new career I am aware that God will use this for both practical and spiritual purposes, and for that, I am thankful!

Who says we can't get along?

It is commonly understood, expected even, that mothers and daughters won't get along at some point in their relationship - especially during the angst ridden teenage years.

As I was sitting with my daughter on the couch this evening watching the latest episode of Glee, a few thoughts ran through my mind.......

How lucky am I? How did I somehow get blessed with this smart, whitty, amazing daughter? How lucky am I that when we are alone together we laugh 90% of the time? How did she develop into such a beautiful young woman whose heart if filled with a deep love for Christ, a passion for social justice and such a grounded attitude?

Don't get me wrong.....we do argue. The typical annoyances that plague most homes are in full effect here. I have to ask her to put away the dishes - most of the time. I have to remind her to change the laundry and not let it sit and get that moldy smell after 4 hours in the washing machine. I ALWAYS have to check that her flat iron is shut off, her bathroom fan isn't running and the 20 megawatt lightbulbs in her bathroom vanity and the annoyingly loud fan are both OFF. 

All of that being said - I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here. I would miss both the good and the bad. The laughter and the anger. The times she opens up and gives me a window into her world and the times she is silent and wrestling with something. Eating cereal out of the box together and the times when I beg her to eat a piece of fruit or a vegetable.

It has been almost one year since her high school graduation. During that time she has grown so much. She became a girlfriend who supported the man she cared about while he was at war. She became a college student, a teacher, an employee, a better friend, a tax-payer, and officially - an adult.

Yet, she remained my daughter.

That will never change.

What will change is how I am a mother to her. Her life is no longer identified soley by her role or participation in our family, but by who she is in this world. What kind of path she carves out. What decisions she inevitably makes despite the advice or guidance I provide. Prayerfully, as she gets older and has a family of her own I will be a part of it. But for now, I will enjoy the little moments we share.......the way only she can tease me, yet make me laugh so hard at myself I almost pee.....or how we can run an "errand" together and silently know that means we are going to Target to spend money we shouldn't spend.......or how she knows when I need her to just sit by me on the couch when I am having a bad day....

Yes, it has been said that mothers and daughters don't get along.

I, however, wouldn't change one thing.



Just When I Think I Know the Plan......

So. 2 months since my last post. Alot has happened. Alot has remained the same. The only thing I am certain of is this; when I feel like I might have an idea of the direction my life is headed things rapidly change. This has led me to the recent deduction that I no longer need to try to plan for anything as said plans will always be interrupted with more interesting options.

Case in point:

1. MOVING: Moving to the Bay Area in June. Plans made, city decided upon, schools picked out.
2. MINOR SURGERY Minor Surgery to help my anemia. Outpatient Uterine ablation and my pesky right ovary removed since it is a pain (literally)
3. DAUGHTERS BOYFRIEND MOVING Daughters boyfriend scheduled to move across the country to Florida - preparing her emotionally.
4. PHYSICIAN ASSISTANT school Applied to RN program in Bay Area and found a physicians assistant program to apply to through Stanford that is perfect but doesnt start for one year from application (JUNE 2012)

What actually transpired:
#1 and 4 impacted by my receipt of an acceptance into an LVN to RN program here in Southern California that I have only been trying to get into for four years. It is only a 2 semester program and if I stay and complete the program I will have my Registered Nursing degree...FINALLY

If I stay and complete the program my husband will be traveling as usual during the week, but the weeks he has no travel scheduled he would have to travel to the Bay Area on his own... That equates to traveling basically every week for one year for him. (Not much difference than his horrific commuting of late - actually probably better.....)




#2 Said minor surgical procedure was changed to a full Total Abdominal Hysteretomy with a full incision and removal of my right ovary. Thank goodness for the left one and let's pray she kicks in and starts pumping out some estrogen before I eat or cry myself to death. I now have some bladder complications as well since that seemed to be the real culprit of my internal pain and is now quite angry that all of it's scar tissue it was happily wrapped in has been sliced away! ouch! it is not a happy bladder. Now 6 more weeks of recovery. I hate TLC, FOOD NETWORK, HBO, FOX NEWS and ALL TALK SHOWS at this point.


#3 Kendra's boyfriend decided to stay here and live and go to school. I am happy she is happy and it is interesting watching your CHILD have a relationship.

ALL of this and I pray for clarity. I pray to see God's plan. I know He is working and moving and I know there will be good from all of this but it is difficult to see at times.

In the meantime I will keep watching Food Network, updating my facebook status and refreshing the page to see if anyone has replied, checking twitter, reading my friends blogs, praying, trying not to eat so much chocolate, avoiding picking up clothes, toys, trash, laundry and other items that could lead to post operative complications (as my doctor said so graphically - "is pushing yourself or picking something up really worth poop coming out of your vagina?"  I THINK NOT!!!) and last but not least thanking God every day for the friends and family he has placed in my life at this time who are a great source of support, friendship and love!

my, how time flies!!

So, I started this blog with the best of intentions as using it as a sort of catharsis. A way to make sense of my feelings, or share about my day, and try to figure out what the hell (okay heck) is going on in my life. Instead it turned into yet another thing I didn't follow through on. Yet another item on my to do list that got bumped due to more important things such as; watching 4 episodes in a row of Sons of Anarchy with my husband, farming virtual crops and collecting and sending virtual christmas presents desperately trying to collect more than my other farming friends, Thanksgiving, Christmas, A ski trip, New Year's Eve party, teen counseling, pre-teen counseling and, oh yeah........laundry.

Now that the holiday buzz has come to an end and my Christmas decorations are down, but tucked away in the so-called master bedroom "retreat" (which is really just an empty useless extension of my bedroom that crap I am too lazy to put away gets placed) I return to focusing on how to make sense of the entity that I call my life. An ever changing, challenging, suprising, infuriating, frustrating, joyful, scary, and jumbled up mess that I have created.

This leads me to share about the latest bulldozer plowing through the landscape of my life. I, and my family (at least 3/4 of us I am certain) will be moving to the San Francisco Bay area in June of this year.

Yes. I am shocked as well. I want to look at my own life and yell, "what you talkin about Willis?"

As it turns out Bon Jovi was a little optimistic about returning home......It seemed like a great idea and it has been a blessing in many areas of our lives, however, my husband is drowning. Jason spends on average 4 hours a day commuting on a good day, and sometimes as many as 6 hours on the really bad days. On top of that.....he is not thrilled with his job and is under lots of stress and pressure. So an opportunity came up for him to return to doing a job he loves and is incredibly talented at with the same company, however, it requires relocation to the East Bay area...

It is beautiful. It will be a popular place for our friends and family to come visit. San Francisco is outrageously expensive so we will only charge you 100 bucks a night when you come (this will be our third source of income so we can afford to live there haha). Being a SoCal girl myself it will be interested to see how the other half (or should I say upper half) live. I know many of you may be thinking, "why would you move when you just left Georgia to return home..." Well, the answer is simple. I am not willing to stay here in the familiarity of Murrieta at the expense of my husbands sanity. While being in Georgia was hard, as I missed my old friends, family and community..it is nothing compared to missing my husband. It is much harder to watch someone you love sacrifice so much and reap none of the benefits. We moved here so Jason could have less travel and be home with our younger son more but instead he has demands placed on him that would have caused me to crumble months ago. I love my friends in Murrieta. I love my church home and fellowship. I love running into people I know every single day. But I love my husband and family more, and for them we embark on this next journey. While I am not excited about moving - in regards to the adventure of it all- I feel strangely at peace. As if I am returning home to a place I have never even been. So, I ask you to join me on this next journey and all of the melt-downs I will hav along the way and then.....come visit!